This month’s blog is all about relationships. Before I got hitched I received some very good advice from a friend of mine who said ‘it’s not the relationship – it’s a relationship.’ Another friend said ‘a relationship, even with an intimate partner is not a community project it’s a relationship’ – i.e. something you work on which is no one else’s business.
So many of us become overdependent whether with an intimate partner, children, or even a boss or a pet. Sometimes the urge to get someone or something else close to us to take over the reins of our being in the world can be very strong especially if we are going through grief, loss or illness. It can seem that if only someone could take us away from events in our lives that are unpleasant we would be able to be let off the inner work that grief and sadness confront us with.
In such situations we tend to wish that if only someone else could take the steering wheel and be in the driving seat we would be better off as we try to get a sense of proportion back in our lives. But the phenomenon of anxious attachment can arise in the context of loss. An anxious attacher will often feel a terrifying sense of abandonment that builds.
Unfortunately it’s usually impossible for our emotional and material needs to be met by significant others alone. Although it’s natural that we should seek support from our nearest and dearest we need to meet our own needs as much as possible.
A few years back I strongly felt the need to have my voice heard in the world. Although I was successful in my career I was also an introvert and had a tendency to feel drained from being around people. I’m not alone: according to a You Gov personality study of 2019, the majority of us in the UK – 57% – identify as being shy! At the time I met my partner I was emotionally frayed, my confidence was shot to pieces and I could only hold my own in a crowd with some difficulty.
As my partner is a very confident public speaker I felt a little inadequate and even envious (although don’t tell them that)! Sometimes I couldn’t explain how I felt to them but at the same time I found myself using them to reduce my feelings of panic and abandonment. Then, unfortunately, I started to blame myself because I just didn’t understand why I couldn’t overcome my feelings of inadequacy. What I didn’t understand was that introversion is not an inherent character trait but a response to the environment – I just wasn’t in the right place emotionally and work wise to thrive.
I had to dig deep to get back to ‘me’. Luckily I was engaged in postgraduate research at the time and doing field work. From talking to my cohort of interviewees I discovered that it was the small stories that mattered to them: the reciprocal everyday connections made in community or with strangers such as myself as well as the ability to develop creative ways to live their lives, that made a difference.
I started to tune in to more of what my research was telling me i.e. to listen to the notes at the back of the orchestra. I developed new daily routines to maximise my potential and tell a new story with my life. For more top tips on how to overcome emotional blocks so you can achieve your goals this year why not subscribe to my newsletter and/or join my vision boarding masterclass on 15th August? Or you can follow me on Facebook and Instagram!
