We usually think of a boundary as something external: stones are set at places where two counties or countries meet or between properties. From a personal perspective, they’re lines in the sand between ourselves and others. As we have a tendency to think of our lives only in material terms, we imagine that because we are in different bodies, there are fixed lines between ourselves and others – however closely related we are.
Intuitively, however, we know that’s not true. ‘No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less’, wrote the poet John Donne (1572-1631).
We experience our interconnectedness with others most powerfully in our dream lives. On the negative side, also, our emotional and sometimes physical boundaries can often have been crossed by the adults who were responsible for our care and education.
Boundary crossing
This was the case for me when I was sent to boarding school for three years between the ages of 10 and 13. As I was growing up, I was hypersensitive to others and to my environment which had repercussions when I entered the workforce. I had a tendency to take things personally. I feared abandonment but I was also terrified of intimacy. Although I was creative, I had a tendency to over-give, over-empathise and over-care for others so I couldn’t manage my creativity.
It’s taken me years to realise that establishing strong internal boundaries is the best way of forging good relationships as well as to develop a thriving career path. Crossing boundaries with others can seem exciting when we are young but we often find that it leads to misunderstandings and breakups. In reaction to this state of affairs, we may retreat, thinking ‘I’m never going to have my boundaries crossed again’ – and so we put up a fence, either literally or metaphorically, around our emotional lives. It might be a fear of going out on dates again or embarking on a challenging job. Entering into difficult dialogues can seem too great a risk given what has gone before.
Healthy boundaries
But what if we could start a more healthy interior dialogue with ourselves so we can learn about our own tendencies so if an opportunity does present itself to start a new career or relationship, we don’t simply run for the hills? Here are a few top tips for starting to set healthy boundaries:
Ritual
Start the day with a ritual. Whatever your morning routine currently is, try to introduce some mindfulness into it. Check-in with yourself for at least two minutes before you leave the house for work or before your wfh routine. Ask yourself, Where am I? Bring consciousness to your breathing and try a breathing routine to slow your breath down. Try ‘box breath’ or ‘ocean breath’ to start with (if you’d like to have the script for these, just hit reply to this email). These techniques will help you set a physical boundary before you start work. You may also like to use a few drops of aromatherapy oil on your wrists or collarbone – rosemary or lavender are both great for feeling relaxed and strong, but you may also like cedar for focus or geranium as a mood enhancer.
Express yourself
Before you switch on your computer and check your emails or start your to-do list for the day, try an expressive routine. Pick up a pen and write or draw something you dreamt about recently. If you haven’t had memorable dreams recently then write down or draw something you would like to happen on your perfect day. What would your top ten be?
Close your eyes briefly before doing this exercise to activate your subconscious to express your wishes or goals. Just see where your mind leads – don’t censor too much, you can fine-tune the vision later. Writing it down helps you set a mental boundary around your inner vision and the pressures of your current working environment. The more you apply heat and light to your vision, the stronger boundaries you can develop around it over time.
Track your emotions
Track your emotional weather by keeping a weather diary for a week. When did you notice the emotional ‘sun’ shining? When did you see the ‘cloud’? Did that signal for you a feeling of heaviness, despondency, tiredness or lack of vitality? Are your emotional reactions windy or stormy? Are you feeling icy or numb? Are there areas in your life that are ‘no-go areas’ right now – aspects of your life that you wouldn’t like to discuss even with a loved one or a counsellor? Is that ‘cloud’ turning to fog or smog? What could you do to reverse that? How would you feel if you saw a rainbow? Write down your emotional reaction on a scale of one to ten, with one being low and ten being high.
Try a new routine
Introduce a new routine, perhaps eating more healthy food, or getting out to be in nature more often. Is there a community activity you could get into? A book club? Could you hook up with an old friend or take yourself to a movie?
Try out some new colours
Could you think of using one of the colours of the rainbow as inspiration for a new colour scheme in your wardrobe, new interior decoration or garden planting? Finding colours that suit you – rather than those that are set or introduced by others – is also a great way of becoming more aware of your inner emotional landscape.
Curious about Narrative Life Coaching? Want to learn more? Come and join my former client Laura and other members in our private vision masterclass Facebook group (your participation will not be visible to anyone on or off Facebook except for those in the group). Here’s the *FREE* link which is for subscribers to this newsletter only: https://www.facebook.com/
